


The Apologist

by Ladyhawk_lhflu



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Homophobia, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-26
Updated: 2015-12-26
Packaged: 2018-05-09 10:00:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5535680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladyhawk_lhflu/pseuds/Ladyhawk_lhflu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mulder is troubled by his past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Apologist

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 1999, title taken from an REM song.

I've watched him fight his inner demons for years. I knew they were powerful. I knew they   
dragged him down. But I didn't realize how far down until tonight.

He and Scully came in from a case in Wisconsin about two hours ago. Mulder fell into our bed,   
exhausted with barely a hello.

I knew the case was a tough one. Any case involving children usually is for them. Luckily,   
Scully was able to discover what was keeping the teenagers from waking. Mulder was able to catch   
the chemist who was experimenting with the drug by putting it in the kids' sodas at a popular   
teen hangout/restaurant in the middle of town. But at what a cost to both of them. I was afraid   
to touch Mulder when he walked in the door. I knew it doesn't take much to destroy the fragile   
equilibrium he tries to establish at the end of these cases.

But he accepted my hug gratefully. And then he went to bed.

So I sit here in the chair next to the bed, watching my lover by the light of the streetlight   
outside. It's late, almost 1 am, but I can't sleep. And I want to watch over Mulder in some way.   
He usually doesn't let me do it when he's awake. But some instinct inside me said he needs it   
today.

And the sight in front of me confirms it. Mulder's sleep is troubled. He tosses and turns on the   
king-sized bed, troubled by something in his dreams.

I watch him carefully, hoping I don't have to wake him yet. Sleep heals many things, or at least   
stops the 'bleeding' so you can get on with the real healing process. But I know there's no   
healing going on in his sleep after twenty minutes of watching him.

His tossing and turning ceases. As it does, he starts yelling. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! No, stop!"

This only goes on for a minute or two before I climb on the bed and gently shake him awake.   
"Mulder. Mulder. Come on, wake up. It's only a dream."

I hold his shoulder as he startles into consciousness. His eyes hold terror for the few seconds   
between dreams and reality. I want to lash out at whatever is in his dreams that hold that kind   
of fear for him.

But I instead settle for enfolding Mulder in my arms as he falls into them. He rests his head on   
my shoulder as he sighs.

I kiss the top of his head and clutch him to me. "Do you want to talk about it? Was it the   
case?"

I feel his head shake again my shoulder. "It was the past. I, I thought I was beyond it." He   
clutches me tighter and I feel his tears being soaked up by my t-shirt.

"Tell me, please?" What could be troubling him this much?

He sighs. "I was sixteen. My father, he-- He--" 

"What did he do, Mulder?" I settle against the headboard of the bed, bringing him back against   
me. I whisper my question in his hair.

"He caught me kissing another guy. We were on the back porch, where nobody could see. But my   
father walked out the back door just as we did it. Adam ran and left me to defend myself against   
Dad, who was furious."

"What did your father do?" I am afraid I already know the answer at this point, but I have to   
ask.

He buries his face in my shoulder. "He hit me, repeatedly. He pushed me against the bricks and   
banged my head. I tried to stop him. I told him I was sorry, and that I'd never do it again. But   
he didn't stop until he knocked me out. I woke up in my bed. Mom said he dragged me up there."

I can only imagine how traumatizing the whole situation was for Mulder. But it explains a lot.   
Like his shyness in approaching me, his fear of being seen with me. His belief that I would   
think less of him because he was attracted to me.

"He never let me forget that time. And he used it against me in everything I did. He made me   
think being with other guys was wrong."

"Shhh." I smooth my hand down his hair. "Don't let your father trouble you now. He's gone. And   
you did nothing wrong there. Don't ever think you did. You made a choice, based on what you   
wanted. Nothing's wrong with that."

I kiss his forehead and settle back, hoping he can sleep better now.

"Walter?" I look down to see pleading in Mulder's eyes. "Tell me you love me."

"Always, Mulder. I love you, your strength, your outrageousness. You've brought color to my life   
in ways that I've never dreamed possible." I bend to kiss him, and am greeted passionately.

Mulder pulls me on top of him and molds his body to mine. "Love me. Give me the strength to   
fight my past."

"I'll give you good memories to replace the old ones. I love you." I kiss his neck as he moans   
against me. My hands enflame has body quickly. He is like a torch in my arms. Within minutes, he   
is begging me to come inside him.

I prepare us quickly and enter him. His moan is one of contentment. He smiles at me, sleepy-  
eyed. "I love you."

I set our rhythm, and before long, our shouts echo through the room. I pull out of Mulder slowly   
and curve around his back.

Mulder turns his head toward me. "I'm sorry about getting upset before. I should be over all   
this by now. but I'm not."

I clutch Mulder more firmly to me. "Mulder?"

"Hmm?"

"Never apologize to me for being who you are." 

His small smile is the last thing I see before I fall asleep.


End file.
